so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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