just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
