Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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