As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
