That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
