The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
