i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
