i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
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I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
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some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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