I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
