This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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