Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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