I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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