I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
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