I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
