I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
