Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
