Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
