Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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