his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
