I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
babies were throwing up all over the place
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
They took my balls.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
