i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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