She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
