i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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