You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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