I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
