remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
