either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
