After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
