i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
