I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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