yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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