She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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