ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
