Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
