In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
