I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
