Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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