My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
