Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
