just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
