I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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