The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
