When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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