I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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