I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
