There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
