I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
