my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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