Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
