Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
