I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
