I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
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That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
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Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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