when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
