If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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