my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Boobs are out for the taking
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I think people are normalizing furries
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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