I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
